Blog: Food Stamp Artist
The term "starving artist' is so cliche that it pains me to fall into that category. I quit a stressful and unhappy but highly paid office job back in 2012. Its not so far off, that I can still remember the bonuses, paid vacation, health insurance and extra cash that burned in my pockets. I might have pinched pennies to afford shopping and trips - but I was paying all my bills and putting $100 in the savings every paycheck. When I think back to that career, I remember how good that felt and I took it for granted.
But here I am scarcely two years later, phone constantly ringing with my student loans looking for a payment and my bank emailing me a reminder that my balance dipped below $25 again. I know my car payment is due in two days and I definitely haven't put a check in the mail. When I imagine my credit score and all the late bills, I do feel physically sick. I'm stuck in my own personally creative rock and a hard spot. I tried looking for a job yesterday. I even had an interview and portrayed myself as the capable, smart employee I know I'm capable of being. I got the job and agreed to attend a shadowing and orientation shift today. I brought home all of the tax paperwork. But what happen once I got home was a train wreck of emotions. I felt so excited and proud and energized with ideas of what I could add. This immediately was met with the conversation with my partner about the job hours and he pointed out that, "If you take this job full time, you won't have time to quilt." It's like I ran full speed off of a cliff. The idea of not being able to continue quilting is so frightening that I'd rather sink into debt and drown. I've tasted this sweet life of creating and bringing peoples wishes to life and its everything I ever wanted. I feel so fulfilled as an artist. If I could only make enough money, I would feel fulfilled as an adult. This company had poor reviews on the internet and ultimately the pay wasn't enough to justify the admitted stress the position carried, so I called them and excused myself from their ranks.
Sorry, I've been babbling about my feelings when really I wanted to talk about food stamps and shopping today. I come from a proud family who worked hard and the idea of needing assistance is such a blow to my gut. I feel so embarrassed about qualifying for food assistance. Yet here we are and I'm about to max out my credit card so getting it in the mail was a relief. With our shiny new EBT card in hand, we went to the store. I usually only buy fresh food on a daily basis, trying to buy the left over sale meat and whatever the random deals of the week are. I eat usually under $4 a meal and its a fun challenge. Today we quested to actually buy food and fill our empty cabinets and fridge. I was rushing through avoiding isles and doing my usual thing and the boy had to remind me to cool my shit. We were getting food like normal people. The total came to 90 dollars. I haven't spent that much money of food - ever. We were shopping for two, but I talley'd it up and we got enough food for 32 breakfasts, 12 meals and at least 8 snacks. That's stands with meals coming out around $2 each and will feed us (for breakfast at least) for quiet a while. I guess I'm still not proud of needing the handout, but all I'd had that day to eat was cereal and coffee, so coming home with that much groceries and eating a chicken salad sandwich was nice. I will continue to work hard at my quilt orders and working to line up future orders while looking for a job. I guess this is my public admittance of the need I have. Its nice to admit defeat and focus now on earning money and getting to a place where I can support myself. Wish me luck.
But here I am scarcely two years later, phone constantly ringing with my student loans looking for a payment and my bank emailing me a reminder that my balance dipped below $25 again. I know my car payment is due in two days and I definitely haven't put a check in the mail. When I imagine my credit score and all the late bills, I do feel physically sick. I'm stuck in my own personally creative rock and a hard spot. I tried looking for a job yesterday. I even had an interview and portrayed myself as the capable, smart employee I know I'm capable of being. I got the job and agreed to attend a shadowing and orientation shift today. I brought home all of the tax paperwork. But what happen once I got home was a train wreck of emotions. I felt so excited and proud and energized with ideas of what I could add. This immediately was met with the conversation with my partner about the job hours and he pointed out that, "If you take this job full time, you won't have time to quilt." It's like I ran full speed off of a cliff. The idea of not being able to continue quilting is so frightening that I'd rather sink into debt and drown. I've tasted this sweet life of creating and bringing peoples wishes to life and its everything I ever wanted. I feel so fulfilled as an artist. If I could only make enough money, I would feel fulfilled as an adult. This company had poor reviews on the internet and ultimately the pay wasn't enough to justify the admitted stress the position carried, so I called them and excused myself from their ranks.
Sorry, I've been babbling about my feelings when really I wanted to talk about food stamps and shopping today. I come from a proud family who worked hard and the idea of needing assistance is such a blow to my gut. I feel so embarrassed about qualifying for food assistance. Yet here we are and I'm about to max out my credit card so getting it in the mail was a relief. With our shiny new EBT card in hand, we went to the store. I usually only buy fresh food on a daily basis, trying to buy the left over sale meat and whatever the random deals of the week are. I eat usually under $4 a meal and its a fun challenge. Today we quested to actually buy food and fill our empty cabinets and fridge. I was rushing through avoiding isles and doing my usual thing and the boy had to remind me to cool my shit. We were getting food like normal people. The total came to 90 dollars. I haven't spent that much money of food - ever. We were shopping for two, but I talley'd it up and we got enough food for 32 breakfasts, 12 meals and at least 8 snacks. That's stands with meals coming out around $2 each and will feed us (for breakfast at least) for quiet a while. I guess I'm still not proud of needing the handout, but all I'd had that day to eat was cereal and coffee, so coming home with that much groceries and eating a chicken salad sandwich was nice. I will continue to work hard at my quilt orders and working to line up future orders while looking for a job. I guess this is my public admittance of the need I have. Its nice to admit defeat and focus now on earning money and getting to a place where I can support myself. Wish me luck.
Comments
Post a Comment